Perhaps the most difficult part of working in a veterinary hospital is knowing we will outlive our patients and our own pets. At the Animal Clinic at Thorndale, we have all personally felt the loss of our dear and loyal friends. We understand what you are going through. Our doctors and staff are here to help you and your family through the process of saying goodbye and grieving. Pet loss can be sudden and unexpected, or the end of a long process. Each brings its own unique set of feelings. The emotional effects of pet loss should not be underestimated. As adults, it is important to let our children know we are hurting, and that it is OK to grieve. It is important to support younger family members, even though we ourselves may be feeling overwhelmed. One thing that helps is accepting that know matter who we are, or what our medical training, our pets are genetically programmed to have shorter life spans than our own. Our job is to fill those lives with happiness and joy, building memories that will stay with us the rest of our own lives. Pet ownership is about sharing the time we have together with our pets, providing for them, loving them, and enjoying life with them to the best of our abilities. If we have accomplished that, we have given them our best and that is what really matters in the end.
Grieving in Adults
The death of a cherished pet creates a sense of loss for adults and produces a predictable chain of emotions. The stages of grief are typically denial, sadness, depression, guilt, anger, and, finally, relief (or recovery). Generally adults move through these stages, spending varying amounts of time in each. It is important for adults to allow their children know it is ok to feel sad after the loss of a loved pet.
Grief Management in Children
The effects of grieving pet loss on children vary widely depending upon the child’s age and maturity level. For the grieving child, the basis for their reaction is their ability to understand death.
Two and Three Year Olds
Children who are two or three years old typically have no understanding of death. They often consider it a form of sleep. They should be told that their pet has died and will not return. Common reactions to this include temporary loss of speech and generalized distress.
The two or three year old should be reassured that the pet’s failure to return is unrelated to anything the child may have said or done. Typically, a child in this age range will readily accept another pet in place of the dead one.
Four, Five, and Six Year Olds
Children in this age range have some understanding of death but in a way that relates to a continued existence. The pet may be considered to be living underground while continuing to eat, breathe, and play. Alternatively, it may be considered asleep. A return to life may be expected if the child views death as temporary.
These children often feel that any anger they had for the pet may be responsible for its death. This view should be refuted because they may also translate this belief to the death of family members in the past. Some children also see death as contagious and begin to fear that their own death (or that of others) is imminent. They should be reassured that their death is not likely.
Manifestations of grief often take the form of disturbances in bladder and bowel control, eating, and sleeping. This is best managed by parent-child discussions that allow the child to express feelings and concerns. Several brief discussions are generally more productive than one or two prolonged sessions.
Seven, Eight, and Nine Year Olds
The irreversibility of death becomes real to these children. They usually do not personalize death, thinking it cannot happen to them. However, some children may develop concerns about death of their parents. They may become very curious about death and its implications. Parents should be ready to respond frankly and honestly to questions that may arise.
Several manifestations of grief may occur in these children, including the development of school problems, learning problems, antisocial behavior, hypochondriacal concerns, or aggression. Additionally, withdrawal, over attentiveness, or clinging behavior may be seen. Based on grief reactions to loss of parents or siblings, it is likely that the symptoms may not occur immediately but several weeks or months later.
Ten and Eleven Year Olds
Children in this age range generally understand death as natural, inevitable, and universal. Consequently, these children often react to death in a manner very similar to adults.
Adolescents
Although this age group also reacts similarly to adults, many adolescents may exhibit various forms of denial. This usually takes the form of a lack of emotional display. Consequently, these young people may be experiencing sincere grief without any outward manifestations.
Young Adults
Loss of a pet can be particularly hard at this age, especially if the pet has been a family member for many years. Some psychologists say that, in effect, loss of such a pet represents a “rite of passage” to adulthood. Young adults need the same opportunities to voice their feelings as any of the other age groups.
Summary
At the Animal Clinic at Thorndale, our doctors and staff are sympathetic and understanding. We have all lost friends of our own, and understand what you and your family are going through. If you have questions, concerns, or need someone to speak with, we are here. Professional bereavement counselors are also available in our area. Do not be afraid to seek professional advice if you have questions about the experience of grief and pet loss. The normal balance in a family can be so disrupted that, occasionally, it is helpful to solicit outside assistance.